Back seat driving

Being a parent is no doubt the greatest responsibility in the world. It involves bringing a new life into this world who will be looking up to you for inspiration and for whom you will be the only role model. Parents all around the world take up this job of parenting with all seriousness and try to clean up their act in front of their kids; to maintain that impression of being the role-model. However, over a period of time, this “act” gets into their head and they actually start believing in the story that they were trying to sell, namely, “they are role models”, not just for their children, but for other parents too. This is a solemn fact, it’s not exclusive to one person; its true for all the past, present and future parents. Parents rise onto this moral and ethical high ground and knowingly/unknowingly project badly on the “human” acts of their children. Children, often wonder, what the devil has gotten into their parents; how come the once so “cool dad” is acting all bent out of shape and the mother with progressive ideals is behaving in a parochial way.



Without doubt, being a parent is a thankless job; and it should be one. If your kid turns out well, you may or may not get the credit but if they go the other way, everyone blames the parenting for the end result. Parents are expected to shoulder the blame of their children’s failures and in most cases do not get take credit of their victories. In reality, most parents behave in the exact opposite manner. In my humble opinion, seeing a part of you grow into a gallant young man or a beautiful, young and successful woman is totally worth all the brick bats you face. It’s mostly about a sense of achievement; more like a sports team coach, who builds and moulds a team. However, the team might forget the coach in their successes but in the wake of failures, the coach has to shoulder the blame. Similarly, parents can secretly feel proud of their kids' achievements, but should not claim the credit for it. Most coaches would tell you, “The ‘kick’ you get out of seeing your team perform, seeing your tactics unfold, is worth all the risk in the world”. Parents, please take notice. Do not use your kids as props for one upmanship with your peers. Your children are neither your possessions nor should you treat them as one. If your son wants to be a musician and not a Doctor like your neighbour’s daughter, let him be. Don’t kill his dreams so that you don’t pass of as a “loser” in front of your neighbour. In north India, parents take their parenting far too seriously and find it a good case to even kill their children if they tend to “embarrass” their parents in front of the “society”. Worse part, no one seems to find this fundamentalism as bad as the “Talibanization”. Social pressures, educational pressures, peer pressures… it’s not rocket science why many teenagers/ young adults commit suicide. If only, parents valued the life that they brought into this world a lot more than their “social-status”. If only, parents gave higher preference to sort out the entangled minds of their children rather than worry about “what will society say if my son/daughter does this”. The fact that you gave birth to your child, does not give you the automatic right to take away his/her life. Parents should and must stop projecting their dreams, aspirations, social standing onto their children and let them grow and flourish in a world insulated from these pressures.



Finally, I do respect the place of parents in our lives and am of the opinion that no one should forget their contribution towards creating our personality. However, I do object to the back seat driving that many parents do in their children's life. A coach's job ends outside the play-field. On the field, the player must perform. If the coach needs to make moves on behalf of the player, then he/she has failed as a coach, they have only created a puppet that acts as the strings are pulled. Parents should know where “help” ends and where “interference” begins. It is a fine line and am afraid, most parents cross it in the excitement of "being there" for their children. There can be no excuse to bulldoze young adults with your decisions. If a person is old enough to choose a government then he/she is mature enough to make most decisions in their life. Parents feel, in hindsight, they know which paths are right and which are not. Hindsight is a good judge of your actions, but to use them to judge your children’s choices is a mistake. Let the children choose their own paths and learn from them. Remember, how we all learnt to ride a bike; how we fell the first few times and then mastered it. Likewise, children will fall a few times and learn the rights and wrongs of life. Give them that opportunity to become wiser. Give them the confidence to take decisions and make them brave enough to be accountable to the decisions they made. Do not spoon feed second hand knowledge as it will do them no good. After all, someday they have to fend for themselves as you won’t be around forever fighting their battles for them. The sooner they learn to be independent and accountable, the better person they will end up being.



So long.....