Indian parents have a larger than life presence in their children’s lives. Especially the Father; not only is he the daddy, he is also the person the family counts on at all times, especially the tougher times. Abhilasha’s dad was no exception. He was a tough nut to crack. The only two times anyone had seen him smile were on the day Abhilasha was born and yesterday when she got engaged. It was a grand ceremony attended by the near and dear ones along with the two families. Abhilasha could not help but see her dad smiling from ear to ear while attending to the guests. She was secretly feeling happy that she has in some way contributed to that elusive smile. Abhilasha remembered her dad for always making her smile as a child by saying four simple words – “Its gonna be OK”. These words had a charm in them. It made seem to Abhilasha that her father was always there to hold her in case she stumbles??. It built that protective net around her for all times.
Abhilasha is many persons in one. She is the qualified financial analyst at a leading bank; she is the loving daughter to a doting mother and the pride of her father. She is also the fiancée of Shekhar and a bowl of instant laughter for her many, many friends. Abhilasha excelled in all her roles, especially the ones with her friends. It could have been her soft heartedness but Abhilasha was always there for her friends in both good and bad times, irrespective of whether they would ever stand up for her. Abhilasha could never hold grudges and had an infectious smile; this endeared her to everyone. Her philosophy was never based on “what is in it for me”, it was “I will receive help from some place the day I need it”. In fact meeting Shekhar was also a co-incidence, which she had accepted whole-heartedly. Shekhar loved her and that is what mattered, not how they met and got to know each other.
The wedding was in a month and Abhilasha was busy with her last minute shopping for the special day. The invites were to be sent out next week and mom had asked her to finalize the guest list, she also had a bachelorette party to attend which her friends had planned for her. “Too many things to be done before the wedding. Sigh”. There were times when she wondered if she had done the right thing and chosen the right man. What if he was not the one for her? Then she shrugged off those thoughts thinking if he were not the one, he would not have lasted thus far. She smiled to herself and congratulated herself on her maturity and got back to her to-do list. It was mid night and suddenly, Abhilasha started getting chills. This was peak summer and it seemed odd to have sudden fever. Abhilasha’s mother asked to relax and take it easy as she was obviously stressed out. As she lay down with her head on her mother’s lap, she told her mom that she has been getting these chills on and off for a while. She had also complained of chest pains but it was brushed aside as stress acting out. Abhilasha told her mom to take her to the doctor as she didn’t want to take a chance of falling sick so close to the wedding.
At her gynecologist’s appointment the next day, she informed the doctor of her symptoms and was advised to do a few blood tests to check for viral fever or infection. “It’s probably just the stress, but why take a chance,” said the doctor. The next morning, her mother drove her back to the doctor who asked her to take further physical tests. She felt like a specimen who was being turfed to every possible department for every possible test. A couple of times, she asked her mother who was silently nodding but not responding. But it was a welcome break from the hectic wedding schedule and Abhilasha even chose to relax although the doctors were not allowing her to enjoy it. By evening, she was seated in front of the doctor’s chamber with her parents inside chatting with the doctor. Abhilasha was busy on her phone texting her friends about her off day. Suddenly, the doors open and her parents walk out. Abhilasha walked to her dad, for the first time he didn’t say “Its gonna be OK” ; he merely glanced away not meeting her eye. Mother was silently weeping and the doctor asked her to come inside. Abhilasha blanked out for the next 30 minutes while she was inside the doctor’s chambers.
Breast cancer. The two words were left hanging to her as she blankly left the doctors chamber. Abhilasha had many questions to ask, some to God, some to her parents and a few to the doctor but something had muted her. It took her a couple of days to get out of that daze. At times, she thought this was a nightmare, which will end soon. Other times she wondered what would happen to her now that she has cancer. Would she die? Why would she die so young? She had so many plans. What about her wedding? Of all the questions, the one that stuck the most was why didn’t her dad say “It’s gonna be OK”? Every time she was alone with her father, she would look into his eyes hoping somewhere there would be that reassuring look which acted as her safety net throughout her life. Abhilasha’s dad is her super hero and when everything failed she always counted on him to rescue her. Today, as he was avoiding eye contact, she slowly started realizing that her father could not rescue her this time. She felt abandoned for the first time in her life. The cancer did not get to her, but the helplessness did.
She spent the next couple of days thinking of talking to Shekhar and discussing the treatment options. The cancer was treatable but she would lose some flesh in her left breast and would probably need light chemotherapy. It reassured her that things were not as serious as she assumed and probably in a years’ time she would forget it ever happened and get on with her life. Shekhar was supportive and told her he was with her always and she would not worry about anything and take the problem head on. So long as her family and Shekhar were with her, Abhilasha could muster the strength to face all the problems. In the week before her operation, the doctor explained to the family as well as her prospective in-laws about the nature of treatment and explained to them about the disease. In India, we have a lot of misconceptions about cancer and treat it as a killer disease; however the killer was not the disease but the avoidance by the women to get examined. The treatment was simple but many women do not to get treated early due to social and personal inhibitions and the fear of losing their breasts. Somehow, it makes them seem less womanly and the age old subconscious fear of family and spouse not accepting her as a normal woman causes them to delay treatment and which in turn ends up killing them.
Abhilasha got to know what she was facing, although she would not be losing her entire breast, she would need counseling to accept the change to her body. She spent the rest of the week in counseling and was mentally ready to face the operation on the day it happened. The procedure went of successfully and one could barely know the difference in her except for the scar on her left breast. After the chemotherapy when she returned home, her father was at the door to receive her with a big hug. After a long time, Abhilasha saw the same old “It’s gonna be OK” look in his eyes and she felt she had successfully defeated cancer. Abhilasha was well and fine. During this time Shekhar was a big source of support to her and stood by her all the time. She had not expected him to understand her problems but he played the role of a life partner excellently. The next six months went by and Abhilasha grew from strengths to strength almost back to her normal, almost forgetting the ordeal she had been through not so long ago.
In India, the disease may spare you but the society never does. As the families got together to decide on an alternate day for the wedding, several relatives of Shekhar’s raised an issue about her health and if she would be capable of mothering a child in her life. Others wondered aloud if her parents had known all the while that she had cancer and had hoped the disease would be identified only after the marriage is solemnized. Neither of Shekhar’s parents made any effort to kill these stray comments and the entire proceeding went on like a well-rehearsed orchestra where it was decided that the families should wait for another 6 months for the yearly follow up and take a call on the wedding dates based on the doctors report. Abhilasha talked to Shekhar about the events and he convinced her that it was best they wait so that nobody could make an issue of this. “If I ever marry, it’s only going to be you Abhi. Nobody can convince me to do otherwise” he said. She was so proud of him and her decision to choose him as a life partner.
The six months breezed past and luckily for Abhilasha the yearly follow up went well and the doctor told her she was cured completely and was only expected to do routine blood tests once a year for 5 years (mandatory for all cancer survivors). It was a happy event and they celebrated it with a family dinner at a local restaurant. Curiously, Shekhar gave the dinner a miss. He had been busy at work off late. Shekhar had a marketing job and the quarterly targets pushed him to extend the work hours. Although he could not spend same amount of time with Abhilasha, he made up for it with text message and calls. Today, neither he was present at the doctor’s appointment nor was he at the dinner. Abhilasha was uneasy, he never did this before. In fact when she texted him before he said aloud that his prayers had been answered and this was the happiest day of his life. Abhilasha confided in her mom, “I do not see the love in his eyes mom. I see care, maybe sympathy too but the love is missing”. “He is probably busy with work and stressed out. Men are different so don’t expect them to show concern as women do. He loved you and that’s why he stuck with you. Don’t doubt him”, her mother snapped at her.
Abhilasha let it go .Maybe she was over thinking it. The events over the next 15 days made her head spin. A week from her doctors’ appointment she got a call from Shekhar that his parents had decided to not let him marry her as “There was no guarantee of her lifespan”. In fact, he even informed her that he was breaking the engagement and was about to get engaged to this girl his parents chose. The wedding was in a month. Shekhar was saying all this in a matter of fact way. As if this was the expected outcome. Abhilasha broke down. It was long overdue. The last year was overwhelming in itself and the only reason she pulled through was with the support of her family. Today Shekhar’s words struck a blow to the dam and it collapsed. Abhilasha went into depression and started hating herself. She blamed herself for everything. She hated her body, every time she looked into the mirror she saw an image of an unwanted person who could not be loved by anyone. The next few months were spent in depression. The stress and pain of seeing his daughter suffer had an impact on her fathers’ health too.
Abhilasha cut down on her friends and other social activities and became an introvert. A girl who used to be bubbly and full of life and spread cheer to the family was so quiet these days that it was impossible to sense she is in the same room. The thing that had hurt Abhilasha the most was Shekhar’s betrayal. After stringing her along for a year he tossed her in a day. Not just that, he even made her realize that he stood by her in bad times when he could very well have left her long ago. The feeling of being recipient of his sympathy was insulting to her. She probably will never be able to reconcile that. Abhilasha started feeling that the only emotion she could receive was sympathy and there was nothing more she was worth of.
Six years have passed. Abhilasha has done well for herself. She met a nice guy couple of years ago and has married him. They have a 1 year old daughter. Today, the ordeal she went through all those years ago seems distant and forgotten. Memories of Shekhar and his family are also fading away fast. The only question that remains is, whether the society acted fairly towards Abhilasha. Is treating as a woman as a machine to produce children fair? Is it fair to make a woman fight social barriers especially when she is fighting a disease too? Are we losing women to breast cancer because they are unwilling to seek the necessary help in time for the fear of being a social pariah? Today, as we plan to raise awareness on breast cancer, let us all take a vow to not pile on the misery of social obligations onto the women who are potentially fighting a physical and emotional battle.
So long….
Abhilasha is many persons in one. She is the qualified financial analyst at a leading bank; she is the loving daughter to a doting mother and the pride of her father. She is also the fiancée of Shekhar and a bowl of instant laughter for her many, many friends. Abhilasha excelled in all her roles, especially the ones with her friends. It could have been her soft heartedness but Abhilasha was always there for her friends in both good and bad times, irrespective of whether they would ever stand up for her. Abhilasha could never hold grudges and had an infectious smile; this endeared her to everyone. Her philosophy was never based on “what is in it for me”, it was “I will receive help from some place the day I need it”. In fact meeting Shekhar was also a co-incidence, which she had accepted whole-heartedly. Shekhar loved her and that is what mattered, not how they met and got to know each other.
The wedding was in a month and Abhilasha was busy with her last minute shopping for the special day. The invites were to be sent out next week and mom had asked her to finalize the guest list, she also had a bachelorette party to attend which her friends had planned for her. “Too many things to be done before the wedding. Sigh”. There were times when she wondered if she had done the right thing and chosen the right man. What if he was not the one for her? Then she shrugged off those thoughts thinking if he were not the one, he would not have lasted thus far. She smiled to herself and congratulated herself on her maturity and got back to her to-do list. It was mid night and suddenly, Abhilasha started getting chills. This was peak summer and it seemed odd to have sudden fever. Abhilasha’s mother asked to relax and take it easy as she was obviously stressed out. As she lay down with her head on her mother’s lap, she told her mom that she has been getting these chills on and off for a while. She had also complained of chest pains but it was brushed aside as stress acting out. Abhilasha told her mom to take her to the doctor as she didn’t want to take a chance of falling sick so close to the wedding.
At her gynecologist’s appointment the next day, she informed the doctor of her symptoms and was advised to do a few blood tests to check for viral fever or infection. “It’s probably just the stress, but why take a chance,” said the doctor. The next morning, her mother drove her back to the doctor who asked her to take further physical tests. She felt like a specimen who was being turfed to every possible department for every possible test. A couple of times, she asked her mother who was silently nodding but not responding. But it was a welcome break from the hectic wedding schedule and Abhilasha even chose to relax although the doctors were not allowing her to enjoy it. By evening, she was seated in front of the doctor’s chamber with her parents inside chatting with the doctor. Abhilasha was busy on her phone texting her friends about her off day. Suddenly, the doors open and her parents walk out. Abhilasha walked to her dad, for the first time he didn’t say “Its gonna be OK” ; he merely glanced away not meeting her eye. Mother was silently weeping and the doctor asked her to come inside. Abhilasha blanked out for the next 30 minutes while she was inside the doctor’s chambers.
Breast cancer. The two words were left hanging to her as she blankly left the doctors chamber. Abhilasha had many questions to ask, some to God, some to her parents and a few to the doctor but something had muted her. It took her a couple of days to get out of that daze. At times, she thought this was a nightmare, which will end soon. Other times she wondered what would happen to her now that she has cancer. Would she die? Why would she die so young? She had so many plans. What about her wedding? Of all the questions, the one that stuck the most was why didn’t her dad say “It’s gonna be OK”? Every time she was alone with her father, she would look into his eyes hoping somewhere there would be that reassuring look which acted as her safety net throughout her life. Abhilasha’s dad is her super hero and when everything failed she always counted on him to rescue her. Today, as he was avoiding eye contact, she slowly started realizing that her father could not rescue her this time. She felt abandoned for the first time in her life. The cancer did not get to her, but the helplessness did.
She spent the next couple of days thinking of talking to Shekhar and discussing the treatment options. The cancer was treatable but she would lose some flesh in her left breast and would probably need light chemotherapy. It reassured her that things were not as serious as she assumed and probably in a years’ time she would forget it ever happened and get on with her life. Shekhar was supportive and told her he was with her always and she would not worry about anything and take the problem head on. So long as her family and Shekhar were with her, Abhilasha could muster the strength to face all the problems. In the week before her operation, the doctor explained to the family as well as her prospective in-laws about the nature of treatment and explained to them about the disease. In India, we have a lot of misconceptions about cancer and treat it as a killer disease; however the killer was not the disease but the avoidance by the women to get examined. The treatment was simple but many women do not to get treated early due to social and personal inhibitions and the fear of losing their breasts. Somehow, it makes them seem less womanly and the age old subconscious fear of family and spouse not accepting her as a normal woman causes them to delay treatment and which in turn ends up killing them.
Abhilasha got to know what she was facing, although she would not be losing her entire breast, she would need counseling to accept the change to her body. She spent the rest of the week in counseling and was mentally ready to face the operation on the day it happened. The procedure went of successfully and one could barely know the difference in her except for the scar on her left breast. After the chemotherapy when she returned home, her father was at the door to receive her with a big hug. After a long time, Abhilasha saw the same old “It’s gonna be OK” look in his eyes and she felt she had successfully defeated cancer. Abhilasha was well and fine. During this time Shekhar was a big source of support to her and stood by her all the time. She had not expected him to understand her problems but he played the role of a life partner excellently. The next six months went by and Abhilasha grew from strengths to strength almost back to her normal, almost forgetting the ordeal she had been through not so long ago.
In India, the disease may spare you but the society never does. As the families got together to decide on an alternate day for the wedding, several relatives of Shekhar’s raised an issue about her health and if she would be capable of mothering a child in her life. Others wondered aloud if her parents had known all the while that she had cancer and had hoped the disease would be identified only after the marriage is solemnized. Neither of Shekhar’s parents made any effort to kill these stray comments and the entire proceeding went on like a well-rehearsed orchestra where it was decided that the families should wait for another 6 months for the yearly follow up and take a call on the wedding dates based on the doctors report. Abhilasha talked to Shekhar about the events and he convinced her that it was best they wait so that nobody could make an issue of this. “If I ever marry, it’s only going to be you Abhi. Nobody can convince me to do otherwise” he said. She was so proud of him and her decision to choose him as a life partner.
The six months breezed past and luckily for Abhilasha the yearly follow up went well and the doctor told her she was cured completely and was only expected to do routine blood tests once a year for 5 years (mandatory for all cancer survivors). It was a happy event and they celebrated it with a family dinner at a local restaurant. Curiously, Shekhar gave the dinner a miss. He had been busy at work off late. Shekhar had a marketing job and the quarterly targets pushed him to extend the work hours. Although he could not spend same amount of time with Abhilasha, he made up for it with text message and calls. Today, neither he was present at the doctor’s appointment nor was he at the dinner. Abhilasha was uneasy, he never did this before. In fact when she texted him before he said aloud that his prayers had been answered and this was the happiest day of his life. Abhilasha confided in her mom, “I do not see the love in his eyes mom. I see care, maybe sympathy too but the love is missing”. “He is probably busy with work and stressed out. Men are different so don’t expect them to show concern as women do. He loved you and that’s why he stuck with you. Don’t doubt him”, her mother snapped at her.
Abhilasha let it go .Maybe she was over thinking it. The events over the next 15 days made her head spin. A week from her doctors’ appointment she got a call from Shekhar that his parents had decided to not let him marry her as “There was no guarantee of her lifespan”. In fact, he even informed her that he was breaking the engagement and was about to get engaged to this girl his parents chose. The wedding was in a month. Shekhar was saying all this in a matter of fact way. As if this was the expected outcome. Abhilasha broke down. It was long overdue. The last year was overwhelming in itself and the only reason she pulled through was with the support of her family. Today Shekhar’s words struck a blow to the dam and it collapsed. Abhilasha went into depression and started hating herself. She blamed herself for everything. She hated her body, every time she looked into the mirror she saw an image of an unwanted person who could not be loved by anyone. The next few months were spent in depression. The stress and pain of seeing his daughter suffer had an impact on her fathers’ health too.
Abhilasha cut down on her friends and other social activities and became an introvert. A girl who used to be bubbly and full of life and spread cheer to the family was so quiet these days that it was impossible to sense she is in the same room. The thing that had hurt Abhilasha the most was Shekhar’s betrayal. After stringing her along for a year he tossed her in a day. Not just that, he even made her realize that he stood by her in bad times when he could very well have left her long ago. The feeling of being recipient of his sympathy was insulting to her. She probably will never be able to reconcile that. Abhilasha started feeling that the only emotion she could receive was sympathy and there was nothing more she was worth of.
Six years have passed. Abhilasha has done well for herself. She met a nice guy couple of years ago and has married him. They have a 1 year old daughter. Today, the ordeal she went through all those years ago seems distant and forgotten. Memories of Shekhar and his family are also fading away fast. The only question that remains is, whether the society acted fairly towards Abhilasha. Is treating as a woman as a machine to produce children fair? Is it fair to make a woman fight social barriers especially when she is fighting a disease too? Are we losing women to breast cancer because they are unwilling to seek the necessary help in time for the fear of being a social pariah? Today, as we plan to raise awareness on breast cancer, let us all take a vow to not pile on the misery of social obligations onto the women who are potentially fighting a physical and emotional battle.
So long….
