10-September-2010
Today is the last day of my life.. how do I know; cos I plan to end it today. I always felt life was not fair to me; I got a raw deal and frankly I am fed up. I will put an end to this fooling around and get some peace of mind at last. I will never have to wonder why bad things happen to good people; never have to wonder why life plays a trick where in it gives me a taste of goodness and then ruthlessly takes it all away. Life teaches us all a lesson... maybe my lesson was "life is ruthless.. end it".. and so I decided that this would be my last day.
I woke up in the morning and realized that this would be special.. no other days in calendar meant more than this day.. I wanted to enjoy all things in life before I say my byes tonight. I quickly freshened up because I didn't want to lose any minute of my last day. All throughout there was a realization in my mind that whatever I am doing was the last time in my life.I rushed to work. I told my boss that I wanted to leave early as I am planning to go on a long vacation. I took up all the work at my desk and cleared it. I was working efficiently and quick. I said my byes to my colleagues before I left...little did they know they will never see me again.. ever !!!
I got out at 2 pm There were so many things to do, one last time. I went and bought myself an expensive perfume and some nice jeans. Hell I wanted to look and smell good when they found my body. I was secretly laughing at the credit card company as I was never planning on clearing the bill ;). I went to Subway and ordered my favorite meat-ball sub.….yummm!! This is one thing I would miss. I ate my lunch leisurely and left. Damn. it was 5 pm already, just 7 hours to go and lots to do.. I reached home and quickly prepared the note. I also left all my belongings to a certain charity and some clothes to be sent to my parents as memories.
When I was done, I realized I always wanted to go to a pub and have a drink, omething I resisted all my life. I drove to the nearby pub and ordered one large drink. As I sat there sipping my drink slowly, my entire life flashed in front of my eyes. People whom I loved, people who loved me, parents, relatives, friends all the good times.. I was going to miss all of this, but it was time I left this world. It was decided. Then her face flashed in front of my eyes. I loved those eyes the most, I remember telling her that they give me zest to live.... it was ironic that those eyes will be the last thing that will flash in my mind... I slowly picked myself and walked to the parking lot. It was 9 pm. I still had to call my mom one last time, tell her how much I loved her and what she means to me. She would not forgive me but lately I was more of a liability to her than an asset. I am sorry mom I have to go. After an hour long chat with her, I felt at ease. I felt I said all things I had to tell her. I talked to my dad too.
As I drove out of the parking lot, I hit a kid. He was there all evening wiping car windows and was having shut-eye. I quickly picked him up and drove to a nearby hospital. While seated beside me, he told me that he was born to a drug addict mother. His mom was 16 when she had him and he had never seen his father. From a very young age he learnt to live by himself and take care of his mom for whom he never existed. I asked him how it feels to love and take care of a person who doesn't even acknowledge his presence, and he was quick to retort." She doesn't remember I am her son, but I do. Isn’t that enough ?". I was shaken to the core. Here I was complaining about life being harsh to me and this kid, who had never seen what love was in his entire life, was out all night earning to support himself and taking care of his mother.
I was having second thoughts on ending my life, all of sudden this kid had given me some perspective. Life was always worth living. No matter in what situation you were. I reached my apartment at 11:45 pm and quickly tore my suicide note into shreds and flushed it down the drain. I thanked God for making me realize the value of life and how I would cherish the rest of my days. Then I drank some water and as I lay in bed planning to start afresh the next day..... I realized I was planning to kill myself consuming cyanide pills and that I had mixed it with the glass of water on my bedside.. As the last few breaths left my body, I realized that life was ironic... I wanted to kill myself for so long and death did not come to me... it gave me a taste of life and then as I was enjoying it... it ruthlessly snatched it from me.... again !!!
So long...
Today is the last day of my life.. how do I know; cos I plan to end it today. I always felt life was not fair to me; I got a raw deal and frankly I am fed up. I will put an end to this fooling around and get some peace of mind at last. I will never have to wonder why bad things happen to good people; never have to wonder why life plays a trick where in it gives me a taste of goodness and then ruthlessly takes it all away. Life teaches us all a lesson... maybe my lesson was "life is ruthless.. end it".. and so I decided that this would be my last day.
I woke up in the morning and realized that this would be special.. no other days in calendar meant more than this day.. I wanted to enjoy all things in life before I say my byes tonight. I quickly freshened up because I didn't want to lose any minute of my last day. All throughout there was a realization in my mind that whatever I am doing was the last time in my life.I rushed to work. I told my boss that I wanted to leave early as I am planning to go on a long vacation. I took up all the work at my desk and cleared it. I was working efficiently and quick. I said my byes to my colleagues before I left...little did they know they will never see me again.. ever !!!
I got out at 2 pm There were so many things to do, one last time. I went and bought myself an expensive perfume and some nice jeans. Hell I wanted to look and smell good when they found my body. I was secretly laughing at the credit card company as I was never planning on clearing the bill ;). I went to Subway and ordered my favorite meat-ball sub.….yummm!! This is one thing I would miss. I ate my lunch leisurely and left. Damn. it was 5 pm already, just 7 hours to go and lots to do.. I reached home and quickly prepared the note. I also left all my belongings to a certain charity and some clothes to be sent to my parents as memories.
When I was done, I realized I always wanted to go to a pub and have a drink, omething I resisted all my life. I drove to the nearby pub and ordered one large drink. As I sat there sipping my drink slowly, my entire life flashed in front of my eyes. People whom I loved, people who loved me, parents, relatives, friends all the good times.. I was going to miss all of this, but it was time I left this world. It was decided. Then her face flashed in front of my eyes. I loved those eyes the most, I remember telling her that they give me zest to live.... it was ironic that those eyes will be the last thing that will flash in my mind... I slowly picked myself and walked to the parking lot. It was 9 pm. I still had to call my mom one last time, tell her how much I loved her and what she means to me. She would not forgive me but lately I was more of a liability to her than an asset. I am sorry mom I have to go. After an hour long chat with her, I felt at ease. I felt I said all things I had to tell her. I talked to my dad too.
As I drove out of the parking lot, I hit a kid. He was there all evening wiping car windows and was having shut-eye. I quickly picked him up and drove to a nearby hospital. While seated beside me, he told me that he was born to a drug addict mother. His mom was 16 when she had him and he had never seen his father. From a very young age he learnt to live by himself and take care of his mom for whom he never existed. I asked him how it feels to love and take care of a person who doesn't even acknowledge his presence, and he was quick to retort." She doesn't remember I am her son, but I do. Isn’t that enough ?". I was shaken to the core. Here I was complaining about life being harsh to me and this kid, who had never seen what love was in his entire life, was out all night earning to support himself and taking care of his mother.
I was having second thoughts on ending my life, all of sudden this kid had given me some perspective. Life was always worth living. No matter in what situation you were. I reached my apartment at 11:45 pm and quickly tore my suicide note into shreds and flushed it down the drain. I thanked God for making me realize the value of life and how I would cherish the rest of my days. Then I drank some water and as I lay in bed planning to start afresh the next day..... I realized I was planning to kill myself consuming cyanide pills and that I had mixed it with the glass of water on my bedside.. As the last few breaths left my body, I realized that life was ironic... I wanted to kill myself for so long and death did not come to me... it gave me a taste of life and then as I was enjoying it... it ruthlessly snatched it from me.... again !!!
So long...
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