They need your time

I have said this before and I will sure say it again, the most important gift you can give to the person you love is your time. Very often we mistake physical proximity as emotional closeness and the fact that we live under the same roof means “giving time to family”.  Clearly, the concept of emotions comes to us as second language. It is not a boy-girl thing here; we are all alike in this department. The problem is we are so wrapped around the tiny world that revolves around us that very often we don’t see the telling signs of a loved one in trouble or a family member hit hard times. In a few cases, they try sharing a problem with us and we are so prompt is giving our perspective that we barely listen to the problem leave alone the depth of its manifestations. As a result, when you actually realize that you have been overlooking a serious problem, it would have already caused irreparable damage.

Chuck is a successful lawyer working for a big firm in central London. Life is going good. He is married to a beautiful woman, Jill and having two kids. He is a hardworking guy who brought many prestigious accounts to the firm and was the “go-to” guy in firefighting situations. He was recently made senior partner and there wasn’t a thing he would want to change about his life. There is a saying – “if everything seems to be coming your way, you are possibly in the wrong side of a one- way”, it proved to be true in his case. One day all of sudden, Jill starts showing signs of nerve damage as her hands get into involuntary spasms during driving the car and she crashes into a tree. Though she is unhurt from the accident, it becomes a major suspense to doctors to explain the spasm as there is nothing physically wrong with her.  After undergoing all possible medical tests, doctors’ advise her to consult a psychiatrist. Chuck scoffs at the doctors and tells them that they are trying to cover up their incompetence by implying there was something mentally wrong with his wife. He takes Jill home and advises her to relax as this could be a mental fatigue. Chuck has a younger brother, Adam who works as an office clerk in a bank at Manchester. Adam is not as successful as Chuck nor has a bright career as him. He is more of person who has always lived in his elder brother’s shadow. Adam is not married and lives in a tiny apartment. The one thing that keeps him going is the fact that he has an elder brother who expects him to succeed in life. 

Adam is like the forgotten / unwanted relative to Chuck who drops by every Christmas and spends those 10 days with his family. Chuck has his own circle of friends and he would ensure that he does not take his family or his brother to his office parties during Christmas. It was not because he kept his personal life separate from his work life; it was mostly because his family weighs him down. Chuck was the hot shot, high flying lawyer of the firm and he felt that showing up with a family would make him look like any normal person. It would rob him of his sheen. With Adam, Chuck was even worse. Chuck felt ashamed of moderate successes of Adam’s life and would never let anyone at work know that he had a brother. He had carefully built this enigmatic approach to his private life. One day, Adam gets fired from his job and is so overcome by emotions that he calls his brothers office to find some solace and support. After many tries, he cannot get through to his brother who is caught up in meetings all day. The next day, he shows up at Chuck’s office to have lunch with his brother and talk about his problems. Chuck is furious at Adam for having shown up unannounced and refuses to talk to him in the office. Not wanting to create a scene, he asks Adam to wait in the cafeteria till he finishes his meetings and then they could have lunch together. Adam is happy to wait and is proud of his brother who always could be depended on.

At lunch, Chuck shows up with a frown and admonishes Adam for coming to his office and creating an embarrassing situation. When Adam tries to tell him that he wanted to talk about his problem and that he tried calling but could not reach, Chuck makes a big speech about how important his time is and success does not come easy or by asking people for help but comes from working hard to achieve it. In the end, Chuck writes a 1000 pound cheque to Adam and asks him to leave without embarrassing him further. When Adam says, he doesn’t need the money, Chuck gives him a hard look and tells Adam that he has always been a disappointment to him and the money was just to help him cover costs till he got another job. Then he walks away, leaving Adam with a cheque and lots of hurt feelings. Back home, Jill’s muscle spasms were getting worse and hampering her from doing basic tasks. Chuck tells her that he would not mind taking her to a psychiatrist if she stops behaving so neurotic that she has to fake problems to seek attention. Jill is put under psycho analysis to get to the root of the problem that is acting out in form of muscle spasms. After months and months of psycho analysis, the psychiatrist is unable to make any headway and one day invites Chuck to inform him that Jill is trying to actively block him from helping her out. He also informs Chuck that there is some deep routed anger or insecurity that is causing her to behave this way and advises him to talk to her about it since that was the main symptom to be treated if she has to get better.

Chuck plans a holiday with his family and decides to have the talk with Jill on the holiday and in a relaxed atmosphere. Couple of days prior to the holidays, Chuck’s firm lands a huge account and Chuck is advised by his managing partner to entertain the client during the long weekend. Chuck informs his wife about the change of plans and she flies off the handle as she was looking forward to the holiday. Chuck tells her that the holiday could be re-planned but the client was important to the firm. A week later he receives a call from the psychiatrist that he has finally understood the problem with Jill. Jill used to be a much sought after model, working for an expensive brand when she met Chuck and they got married. After marriage she moved to London to be with him. She had to give up her career and all the perks that came along because she wanted to give her time to the man she loved. Initially it all looked good, but she soon realized that she was not a priority for Chuck. Chuck had a feeling that being the man he had to provide for his family and grow in his career, he expected his family to understand this and adapt. Jill could not adapt to being second priority and would constantly make plans with Chuck which he cancelled more often than not to cater to the pressing demands of work. Jill could not explain to him how much she yearned for his attention and constantly felt guilty for seeking his time. The problem was simple; she needed his attention and time while he didn’t have the time to give. Being unable to communicate this and him unwilling to pick on the hints manifested the problem to such an extent that her mind was playing sick to seek attention. The psychiatrist advised Chuck to make Jill feel wanted again if he ever wishes to see her get well. The disease was in the mind and the solution was simple.

That evening, Chuck received a package marked “private and confidential”. Upon opening, he found a note from Adam – “I am sending you the good things and taking away the bad thing”. Enclosed were all the childhood photos and small gifts given by Chuck over the years. He was surprised that they were so carefully stored by Adam. At the bottom of the box was the cheque – which was written by Chuck a few weeks ago on the back of it were these words –“I just wanted to talk to my brother…..”  Chuck was suddenly overcome with emotions; he had always neglected his family and given precedence to his work. He owed his family and Adam an apology and to try to make up for the lost time. When he tried to reach his brother at his residence, he was informed by the landlord that Adam had committed suicide 4 weeks ago and while cleaning out the apartment; he had found a package marked to Chuck which he sent out couple of days ago. Chuck was trembling, overcome with guilt and emotions about how he treated his brother whose only fault was seeking time to talk to his elder brother about his problems. Chuck did not even get a chance to say a good bye to his brother Adam who always looked up to him.

Credits: Few events mentioned in the post have been picked out from the series “Mad men”

So long…..