So, one of my colleagues got married this week and the first thing I told her was “so yet another crashes and burns eh?” with my usual cunning smile and what is very famously known as “irritating smirk” amongst people who know me. People around me froze and there were a few uncomfortable silent moments before the colleague smiled and waved me off. Man! she got the joke but so many of them standing there did not. “Just because you are single, you seem to have an opinion about marriage. It is not that bad” whispered one of the girls standing next to me. I just smiled blankly at the unasked / unwelcome advice and moved back to my desk thinking to myself, “Man!!… I need to shut up more often”. Then, on the way back home I thought to myself… “Did that make sense? Why do we single men often make sarcastic comments about marriage and why do married people think it’s a case of sour grapes?” Frankly, I am yet to find any friend who has advised me to get married because it is good for you. It is usually the other way around “Marriage is not that bad”, they often say.
How do I tell a chef, who asks for feedback, that the food is awful. “Hey, it was not bad...” Now, do you see my apprehension believing my married friends and colleagues? Marriage seems a lot like sex or God, each one experiences it differently and nobody can put that experience across in coherent words. We often hear the “Ummmm” / “well …..” / “You see……” / *awkward silence* preceding the description of the experience being married. Men are more dismissing of the notion and depending on how close you are to the man, you can either get to hear “Marriage is a f**king headache” or “too large a price for sex”. Women are more subtle by nature and hence you probably will not get blunt statements from them, but, when a woman bites her lips and says “It’s not that bad” you know she means exactly what the men say bluntly. So here is my follow up, if it is so much work, why do people marry?
Nobody knows, but everyone will argue using a few standard points. Some of the arguments about marriage are as follows and please don’t call me a cynic, if I poke holes into them.
1. Marriage is about togetherness – my take is if togetherness is so natural, why do couples look so ill at ease with each other. Why do men whisper to their friend around their wives and why do women send their husbands away when they plan a girls’ night. Me thinks, the togetherness is for the cameras because I know of room-mates who are more in sync than a man and his wife.
2. Marriage is a compromise – I don’t know about you, but to me compromise is a loss of face. It is the fig leaf one uses when one cannot accept defeat. If marriage is always about winning, why do couples always describe it as a “compromise” is beyond me.
3. We all need someone with us – I accept the premise of human beings as social animals and hence we all need someone in our life. What is beyond me is that someone needs to be a person from opposite sex and the reason you are together should be marriage.
4. You need to have a family – this is the most confusing reason to be married, having kids. So it is not about you having fun, it is more about giving up fun to start taking responsibility of a wife/ husband and children and never be the same fun person you were before. I mean who can spare the time eh?
So now, you get my point why people describe marriages as “not that bad”?
Now, I am all for marriage if it’s the thing for you and you feel at ease in the setting but why frown at the people who do not fit into it and wish to live their lives a different way. I have always seen married people advice singles to get married, never the vice versa. Maybe it’s just envy that cannot let the married people see the singles live on happily. I do understand that sex is an important need of life and marriage is a healthy way to enjoy sex and if need be, to start a family. But, I see so many messed up people around me that I feel procreation should be a privilege extended to a few whose lineage might benefit the world and the rest of us should only be allowed to have sex without resulting in children. In mythology, we know of stories where women chose to procreate with Gods and not their husbands, maybe, just maybe there lies your hint that just because you can, you need not have kids.
I feel obligated to declare that I am not single by choice or a confirmed bachelor. I have seen some messed up things in relationships which have made me wonder if I am made for it. I was about to be married but I am not. All I am saying is this; I don’t know if I am glad I was saved or sorry that I missed. So before you go “Just because he is single…..” I feel I should tell you that I have had the buffet and barfed. Again, I am not for or against marriage; I am just making the case that it’s not as important as it is made out to be.
So long….
How do I tell a chef, who asks for feedback, that the food is awful. “Hey, it was not bad...” Now, do you see my apprehension believing my married friends and colleagues? Marriage seems a lot like sex or God, each one experiences it differently and nobody can put that experience across in coherent words. We often hear the “Ummmm” / “well …..” / “You see……” / *awkward silence* preceding the description of the experience being married. Men are more dismissing of the notion and depending on how close you are to the man, you can either get to hear “Marriage is a f**king headache” or “too large a price for sex”. Women are more subtle by nature and hence you probably will not get blunt statements from them, but, when a woman bites her lips and says “It’s not that bad” you know she means exactly what the men say bluntly. So here is my follow up, if it is so much work, why do people marry?
Nobody knows, but everyone will argue using a few standard points. Some of the arguments about marriage are as follows and please don’t call me a cynic, if I poke holes into them.
1. Marriage is about togetherness – my take is if togetherness is so natural, why do couples look so ill at ease with each other. Why do men whisper to their friend around their wives and why do women send their husbands away when they plan a girls’ night. Me thinks, the togetherness is for the cameras because I know of room-mates who are more in sync than a man and his wife.
2. Marriage is a compromise – I don’t know about you, but to me compromise is a loss of face. It is the fig leaf one uses when one cannot accept defeat. If marriage is always about winning, why do couples always describe it as a “compromise” is beyond me.
3. We all need someone with us – I accept the premise of human beings as social animals and hence we all need someone in our life. What is beyond me is that someone needs to be a person from opposite sex and the reason you are together should be marriage.
4. You need to have a family – this is the most confusing reason to be married, having kids. So it is not about you having fun, it is more about giving up fun to start taking responsibility of a wife/ husband and children and never be the same fun person you were before. I mean who can spare the time eh?
So now, you get my point why people describe marriages as “not that bad”?
Now, I am all for marriage if it’s the thing for you and you feel at ease in the setting but why frown at the people who do not fit into it and wish to live their lives a different way. I have always seen married people advice singles to get married, never the vice versa. Maybe it’s just envy that cannot let the married people see the singles live on happily. I do understand that sex is an important need of life and marriage is a healthy way to enjoy sex and if need be, to start a family. But, I see so many messed up people around me that I feel procreation should be a privilege extended to a few whose lineage might benefit the world and the rest of us should only be allowed to have sex without resulting in children. In mythology, we know of stories where women chose to procreate with Gods and not their husbands, maybe, just maybe there lies your hint that just because you can, you need not have kids.
I feel obligated to declare that I am not single by choice or a confirmed bachelor. I have seen some messed up things in relationships which have made me wonder if I am made for it. I was about to be married but I am not. All I am saying is this; I don’t know if I am glad I was saved or sorry that I missed. So before you go “Just because he is single…..” I feel I should tell you that I have had the buffet and barfed. Again, I am not for or against marriage; I am just making the case that it’s not as important as it is made out to be.
So long….
1 comment:
I like this one dude... seriously.. I don't often comment and like the oblivion I live in but I liked this enough to want to let you know :) .. How are you? Keep blogging.. needless to say, I will read..
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