Recently I heard a puzzling statement from someone, " love does not mean ending up married to each other, there is a more profound meaning to it and it goes much beyond proximity". I wondered why would anyone fall in love with another human being and not want to end up together. She told me a story to prove her point and I hope I narrate the story to the desired effect as it was meant by her. As a precursor, I am posting this out of my memory and if I end up not depicting this rightly I apologise to the protagonists, I meant to highlight the point stated above using your story.
Sam (Sameer) was like the guy next door, he was quiet in his mannerism and a very upright character. He was like this shy character that you donut tend to pick out among more flamboyant creatures who tread the college turf. There was no air of superiority about him or was there any high handedness in his behaviour. He was simple unassuming college guy who had a look of responsible and mature man and not typical college boy charms. Vibha was the college sweetheart, she had the oomph and she was very aware of it. In short she was the type of gal you cant help but notice on a college campus. Ever lively and full of life. This story is about them, how they met, fell in love and lived happily ever after.
Sam was never bitten by the love bug, ever in his life and had not known what it was to love another person or be loved by another person. All his notions about this emotion was from the movies and he never thought that beyond all the glamour there was such a thing called LOVE. Vibha was very familiar with this emotion as she had seen from her teenage years guys pursuing and declaring their love for her. Feeling the emotion of being loved and wanted was pretty routine and needles to say she had a few attempts at relationships.
Any hu, moving on... for the first time in his life, Sam felt a strange tug in his heart towards this chic named Vibha from the same group. A tug he couldn't explain and couldn't describe as he didn't have anything to compare it to. All he knew was, that she meant a lot to him and given a choice he would choose her happiness over his. He always remembered the day they were introduced by a common friend and was always grateful to that person for getting him introduced to such an amazing girl. Sam and Vibha's friendship clicked and they spent a lot of time together and at times when they were not together, they were hooked on to the phone chatting with each other. In short the beginning of romance was pretty much on expected lines, however, the romance for Sam was mere affection for Vibha. It was yet another affectionate friend to her as this was familiar territory; Sam was hugely smitten and this novel rush of blood was exciting and he yearned her company more and more.
Finally the day arrived when he said, he confessed his true feelings for her and she behaved much on expected lines like any female would do. Basically telling him, try harder dude, I am not feeling the emotions yet !! Internally, she knew he was more than a friend, but she wanted the feeling to get stronger by denying it to herself. Finally the day arrived when she agreed to be in a committed relationship with him. Sam was overjoyed. He could finally see the writing on the wall; MBA degree; a well paid job; Vibha as his partner ;life time of happiness. That's the power of first love, you tend to build too many castles in first few days and always assume relationship is all about the good times.
Life taught him the hardships of maintaining a relationship pretty soon. The major fault or double fault a guy commits is wishing away the girl's past life; that includes all her friends, her ex boyfriends basically the entirety of her life without him. This hits hard in first few days and the smart ones try to get involved and create a rapport with the girls' life outside his bubble and the dumb ones try to fight away. Sam was different, even though he knew he was on par with her pals, he never complained; he kept showering her with presents et al. trying to make her feel special all the time. Vibha, who was so used to being "apple of the eye"; couldn't see his special efforts as he meant them and it many times he ended up irritating her by coming off as a guy who marks his territory. The heartache and tiffs continued. It was simple issue of the girl not letting her new relationship come in the way of her friends and the guy wanting to be around her all the time. Both were right in their respective places, all they needed was a perspective about the other.
Sam was heartbroken many times and Vibha let him bleed, and when Vibha felt suffocated, Sam didn't back off; but even after the offs and ons the relationship grew stronger as the days passed and the day arrived when the topic of commitment was discussed. Sam was pretty sure about Vibha and so was she about him and both wanted to be married to each other. Sam not being good with words, was not able to explain to Vibha about his family and their expectations about the couple and the message that went across to her was that, this relationship can be built only at the cost of compromising a lifestyle, a career and everything she loved about life. Vibha was not ready to let go of entire identity just for the sake of of this relationship and Sam was not able to instill that confidence in her that all things could be worked out. After a harrowing experience of friction, the couple decided to part ways amicably. Their friends tried to make them understand that they were doing a mistake and they should in fact be together, but somehow no one saw reason and the relationship ended. It just wasn't meant to be.
College was over and friends drifted apart and went on their separate journeys of life. Sam and Vibha stayed in touch but was just superficial. Vibha met this guy at work and started dating him and soon forgot all about past and moved on. A year on, Vibha received a call from Sam. He was getting engaged to be married soon to this girl of parents choice and he wanted to meet Vibha and talk to her. They met; they talked and soon it was evident to them that their love for each other had not died, they had assumed that living apart and being involved with other people would give them the necessary closure, but it didn't. Vibha felt a strange sense of loss that Sam would be married to another person and that was kinda last nail in the coffin and there was no hope. They talked and talked of how they could have acted better and saved a wonderful relationship but how it was too late for them and nothing could be done.
That day, before they left, they decided that they will keep that special place in their heart for each other, maintain contact provided their spouses do not mind and nurture this as a friendship that could have been so much more. Vibha never forgave Sam for not trying hard enough to convince her and Sam always thought Vibha could have been a little more mature. But in the end it was all about "would have beens" and that's what brought an unnatural end to this beautiful relationship. Some wise person recently told me, 9 out of 10 relationships don't work out or end in a divorce. The one that sticks is because there is one person in the relationship who is fighting hard to keep the relationship alive. There are no perfect relationships and most relationships grind you down. The trick lies in wanting to be there and fight it even when things suck....
So long....
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The Art of Dying...
Death is the solemn truth of our lives and yet somehow we ignore or choose to ignore it. People bat for life vs. death all the time and yet we all know at the end it is always death that turn up trumps. All of us plan our lives and yet we somehow choose to ignore the basic truth about us; we never plan our death. Partly because it is not in our control how our life ends, but so is the course of our life; we never know how our life will turn out to be and yet we plan every single detail about it. The truth is, we are afraid to accept death as the final fate, it is as a writer put it, "We see death in various ways every single day and yet those who live, plan to live on forever". Maybe it is the belief that "I will not die" that helps us achieve great things, but we need to plan our death as we plan our life, because each one of us has a right to die honorably as we live honorably.
Adolf Hitler was a great man in many ways, a mass leader and a born ruler. People who met him swore by his charisma and his ability to form mass opinions. He had the ability to plan with very fine detail about his attacks on enemy territory and how to hold and rule it. He had a military which lived and died on his command. Basically, he held absolute power in Germany and challenged the might of the Soviet Union and United States of America and was taking control over most of Europe. Even with such absolute power, he never spent enough time to think about his death. He spent way too much time planning his life and not enough planning his death. When it finally came, he was not ready for it. We don’t remember him much for the death he met on the way out of this world, but I do wish his death was more honorable and not a tame suicide in his personal chambers. Not a fitting end for a grand life he lived. Maybe he should have planned it better.
I find it ironic that M.K. (Mahatma) Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. both of whom spent their life preaching and following non-violence and achieving major victories without armed struggle met violent deaths. It makes me feel when death is cruel to such great souls, how can a man like me, do much about it. Then again, like I said, even though I might not control the events that lead to my death, I might certainly hope that I get a death of my choice. Given a choice, I must always have an honorable way to exit rather than being forced out due to unforeseen circumstances, much like a player who chooses to retire, when on a high.
Bhagat Singh, Sukhdev Thapar and Hari Shivram Rajguru made such a choice 79 years ago. They are remembered even to this day for the choice they made and their death is celebrated as "Shaheed Divas" (Martyers Day) in India. They had a goal in life; they had planned to liberate India from the British Empire. Much like all of us, they had planned their life nicely, only difference being, they even planned their death and used it as an instrument to further the goal of their life. They chose to plan their death in such a way that it stirs passion of nationalism in the minds of youth and goal of Independence becomes a national rage. They died well before their time (age wise) but they chose an honorable and grand exit that made the life they lived seem more grand. Durga bhabi (wife of Bhagwati Charan Vohra) had such an option which she was not allowed to take. She was supposed to join Bhagat Singh, Sukhdev and Rajguru when they were planning the murder of Scott. Her pleas were killed by her husband stating she had family responsibilities and should not take up the risk of such an act even though she was active member of Hindustan Republican Association (HRA). She gave in and the rest is history. A few years later, she contracted a life threatening flu and was bed ridden. During the last few days of her life, she called her husband to her side and told him that she would never forgive him for not allowing her an honorable death. She told him that very few people are given a choice of planning their death and she could have had a honorable way of dying for her country's independence, instead of the suffering the flue and meet a tame end. That anguish was genuine and makes you think, why do we always hold on to life so dearly that we end up having a doctor and a hospital bed for company when death arrives, when we could have chosen to die in a more honorable fashion for a cause we believed in truly. May be, as I said earlier, we don’t plan about death seriously.
I, for one, have a goal. I meet many people and with every person who comes into my life, I ask myself, "If I die tomorrow, how will I be remembered by this person?" and I sure hope that the day I am no longer around and they think back about me, there must be a smile on their lips and a tear in their eye. Does this mean, I am ready to die... maybe; or maybe, I don’t see death as an end to the life I am living. The "one goal" however, keeps me, from hurting people I come across and that sure are a good thing to do. Does it work? Well..... Not always, I am human and cannot have a perfect record. I will try using this post to issue a heartfelt apology to those whom I have advertently or inadvertently hurt in my life, and tell them that I didn’t mean to hurt them. Maybe this will take me closer to my goal and when my day comes, I will be proud of having a near perfect life.
PS: Some excerpts taken from a hindi story I read, "Marna: Ek kala, ek chance" meaning, "Death: An art, a matter of chance"
Adolf Hitler was a great man in many ways, a mass leader and a born ruler. People who met him swore by his charisma and his ability to form mass opinions. He had the ability to plan with very fine detail about his attacks on enemy territory and how to hold and rule it. He had a military which lived and died on his command. Basically, he held absolute power in Germany and challenged the might of the Soviet Union and United States of America and was taking control over most of Europe. Even with such absolute power, he never spent enough time to think about his death. He spent way too much time planning his life and not enough planning his death. When it finally came, he was not ready for it. We don’t remember him much for the death he met on the way out of this world, but I do wish his death was more honorable and not a tame suicide in his personal chambers. Not a fitting end for a grand life he lived. Maybe he should have planned it better.
I find it ironic that M.K. (Mahatma) Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. both of whom spent their life preaching and following non-violence and achieving major victories without armed struggle met violent deaths. It makes me feel when death is cruel to such great souls, how can a man like me, do much about it. Then again, like I said, even though I might not control the events that lead to my death, I might certainly hope that I get a death of my choice. Given a choice, I must always have an honorable way to exit rather than being forced out due to unforeseen circumstances, much like a player who chooses to retire, when on a high.
Bhagat Singh, Sukhdev Thapar and Hari Shivram Rajguru made such a choice 79 years ago. They are remembered even to this day for the choice they made and their death is celebrated as "Shaheed Divas" (Martyers Day) in India. They had a goal in life; they had planned to liberate India from the British Empire. Much like all of us, they had planned their life nicely, only difference being, they even planned their death and used it as an instrument to further the goal of their life. They chose to plan their death in such a way that it stirs passion of nationalism in the minds of youth and goal of Independence becomes a national rage. They died well before their time (age wise) but they chose an honorable and grand exit that made the life they lived seem more grand. Durga bhabi (wife of Bhagwati Charan Vohra) had such an option which she was not allowed to take. She was supposed to join Bhagat Singh, Sukhdev and Rajguru when they were planning the murder of Scott. Her pleas were killed by her husband stating she had family responsibilities and should not take up the risk of such an act even though she was active member of Hindustan Republican Association (HRA). She gave in and the rest is history. A few years later, she contracted a life threatening flu and was bed ridden. During the last few days of her life, she called her husband to her side and told him that she would never forgive him for not allowing her an honorable death. She told him that very few people are given a choice of planning their death and she could have had a honorable way of dying for her country's independence, instead of the suffering the flue and meet a tame end. That anguish was genuine and makes you think, why do we always hold on to life so dearly that we end up having a doctor and a hospital bed for company when death arrives, when we could have chosen to die in a more honorable fashion for a cause we believed in truly. May be, as I said earlier, we don’t plan about death seriously.
I, for one, have a goal. I meet many people and with every person who comes into my life, I ask myself, "If I die tomorrow, how will I be remembered by this person?" and I sure hope that the day I am no longer around and they think back about me, there must be a smile on their lips and a tear in their eye. Does this mean, I am ready to die... maybe; or maybe, I don’t see death as an end to the life I am living. The "one goal" however, keeps me, from hurting people I come across and that sure are a good thing to do. Does it work? Well..... Not always, I am human and cannot have a perfect record. I will try using this post to issue a heartfelt apology to those whom I have advertently or inadvertently hurt in my life, and tell them that I didn’t mean to hurt them. Maybe this will take me closer to my goal and when my day comes, I will be proud of having a near perfect life.
PS: Some excerpts taken from a hindi story I read, "Marna: Ek kala, ek chance" meaning, "Death: An art, a matter of chance"
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